Mom Visits

"I missed my mouth" - Amber while trying to start chewing gum.

[ dancing around ] 

"I'd love a pole.   Wouldn't you love a pole, mom?"

"Someone's sending me a dental dam."

"Is that for cleaning your teeth?" - Mom.

"Yeah, he's sending me flavored ones."

Amber's hottest action.

I went to a psychiatrist in boot camp.  She told me I was fine.  "Bitch, I came to you to tell me I was crazy so I could get out."

"Whats the hottest thing you do?" asked a visitor.
"I bake sweet potatoes and that's about 450 degrees."

Jesus, Al Sharpton, and Cats.

"Then fucking kill the cat.  Tie its tail to a mailbox."

"if you ever want to file an insurance claim and have your truck disappear, drive it to my house.  I'm your girl"

"I love those nuts all shirivelled up.  I can suck on them for days.  Thank you al sharpton."

"I guess I have to eat your nuts now.  Do you have normal whiteboy nuts or Al Sharpton nuts?"

My mom had this fucking Jesus thing where everyone was having a party.  What's that called? [ A nativity scene. ] She got that in the garbage dumpster, too.

[ "Jesus Loves Me" music playing in the background. ] Jesus loves the fucking hitachi...



I think my vagina is pretty now. It's not so disgusting. Why would you google that? [ blue waffle ] (Editor's note: I am *NOT* linking to that.)


"I dont have a yeast infection. I have a nice, clean pink waffle"