I'd like to thank the academy

After a particularly giddy evening, Amber started to thank participants in the evening, but decided to do it in the style of an acceptance speech.

"I'd like to thank SuperDuperCPA and NDGuy and ...."
[ slight pause ]
"And I'd like to thank my parents twenty years ago for fucking and creating me."

Awesome.

Mom Visits

"I missed my mouth" - Amber while trying to start chewing gum.

[ dancing around ] 

"I'd love a pole.   Wouldn't you love a pole, mom?"

"Someone's sending me a dental dam."

"Is that for cleaning your teeth?" - Mom.

"Yeah, he's sending me flavored ones."

Amber's hottest action.

I went to a psychiatrist in boot camp.  She told me I was fine.  "Bitch, I came to you to tell me I was crazy so I could get out."

"Whats the hottest thing you do?" asked a visitor.
"I bake sweet potatoes and that's about 450 degrees."

Jesus, Al Sharpton, and Cats.

"Then fucking kill the cat.  Tie its tail to a mailbox."

"if you ever want to file an insurance claim and have your truck disappear, drive it to my house.  I'm your girl"

"I love those nuts all shirivelled up.  I can suck on them for days.  Thank you al sharpton."

"I guess I have to eat your nuts now.  Do you have normal whiteboy nuts or Al Sharpton nuts?"

My mom had this fucking Jesus thing where everyone was having a party.  What's that called? [ A nativity scene. ] She got that in the garbage dumpster, too.

[ "Jesus Loves Me" music playing in the background. ] Jesus loves the fucking hitachi...



I think my vagina is pretty now. It's not so disgusting. Why would you google that? [ blue waffle ] (Editor's note: I am *NOT* linking to that.)


"I dont have a yeast infection. I have a nice, clean pink waffle"